I can’t believe my freshman year is almost over. Finals start next week. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about J. At first we were just hooking up but after this past weekend at his formal I feel as though things changed between us. I don’t know if that scares me or not. I’m not ready for a relationship and neither is he but what do we do. Why do I have to like him?
The past week has practically been hell for me. My ex and I had a huge fight and I ended up blocking him on Facebook and Twitter. I wouldn’t usually block someone unless there was a good reason for it. My ex decided to post our fight on Facebook and sent the conversation of our fight to my mother, and two best friends. I think in his head that he wanted me to get punished for my actions, or he just wanted everyone to turn against me. I had done nothing wrong. I had just decided to move on and he wasn’t happy with it. I just want to be happy which apparently wasn’t the right thing in his mind. There is a line between the usual way to act after a breakup and the way he acted after the breakup. He basically told my mother that I was a whore because I moved on and went clubbing. In my mind whatever I tell a person I don’t tell other people it is just between us. Also if I’m having a fight it’s between you and me not between everyone that we know. There is no picking sides or trying to turn everyone against the person. But basically the whole week turned into a fight between my ex and I. One of my friends came up to me on Thursday and just gave me a hug because I looked so upset. For those of you who don’t know I am the type of person to not show any emotion. I was brought up in a family that thought that showing emotion showed weakness. Last night my mom messaged me and told me that my ex got a Pikachu tattoo. I’m still kind of in shock about it because he did it to spite me because I had previously told him how stupid that tattoo would be, but I guess in his mind it means something. Sorry I was just ranting.
In previous posts I mentioned a guy named J, now between there really isn’t anything between me and him other than just hooking up. I do not have any feelings for him at all but at times I am concerned about some of the choices that he makes but it isn’t my place to say anything because I’m just one of the girls that he hooks up with. He drinks, he smokes hookah and weed. I guess I’m concerned that he might be choosing the fun things over the work that he has to do but then again it is college. Well J and I had sex about a week ago and then a couple days later my period started so we haven’t really hung out since we had sex. I don’t know if I should be concerned about it because he is just my rebound guy or that he used me to just get sex and is moving on. But the sex wasn’t even good. He only last like 4 minutes and was done. I’ve never had good sex but maybe it’s just because I’ve never had sex with someone that I truly cared for and knew what they were doing. Sex with my ex was really just something to do when we were bored in my opinion. The sex was bad for me but he enjoyed it. I don’t really feel like blogging anymore but basically I’m hooking up with a guy that I have no feelings for and I can’t decide if it should bug me or not but it’s college who gives a shit.
So last night I decided after thinking it over for an all of about five minutes that I needed to stop hooking up with pre law creeper. Now I know that I haven’t really mentioned him lately but I just forgot to blog about him. After my breakup with my boyfriend which was about a month ago now I was messing around with pre law. At first we were just like watching a movie and cuddling in my bed that of course led to making out. Just the darkness and cuddling just always makes me want to make out with a guy. So we had been fooling around for a couple days and he had slept over since he’s a commuter at my college I let him crash a few times when he was too drunk to drive back. If you’re drinking Captain Morgan and then think it is a good idea to put a breath mint in your mouth to cover it up you are wrong. It is a disgusting combination. At first it was like a mint and then the liquor hits your lips and you’re like wtf is that taste, and the best part of it all was that he smelt like smoke which isn’t attractive at all in my book. One night a couple weeks ago we were making out and it got really “hot” I guess and we attempted to have sex. Now I’ve only slept with my now ex boyfriend. For some reason we just couldn’t get “it” to work he claims that it was the fan messing it up but the whole time I couldn’t stop laughing because it was so ridiculous. All the nights before he was saying how amazing the sex would be and to be rather blunt it was disappointing. I might just not be meant to have sex but who knows. Anyway it’s Spring Break and at least 3 days out of the 7 I’ve tried to hangout with Pre Law and he either cancels or makes up some lame excuse. Last night we were just about to go see a movie and he texted me saying oh the admission movie isn’t worth the money. Its like I was gonna pay I just wanted to hangout with you. He then texted me back I want you. Now I of course knew where that was going. He either wanted to sext or to meet up in his car and have it. I do have some class when I’m trying to hookup with a guy. There must be a bed involved the first.. actually second time as well since the first didn’t really count. I was sitting in bed staring at my phone going why am I even trying with this guy. He obviously doesn’t care as much as I do and really just wants me for sex. At first in our hooking up I guess I saw him as a boyfriend because of how he had opened up to me and how one night he cried while we were just talking at two in the morning in my bed. Now the reason why he didn’t want to hangout with me last night was because it would of involved me meeting his parents. Now meeting the parents could be seen as a huge step but he’s 21. He shouldn’t be worried about it. He should at least have the balls to say oh this is just a friend from college that will just happen to be hanging out with me. Its not like I was gonna have sex with him while his parents were in the house that would be kind of creepy especially if his sister walked in or anything. Sorry I’m just venting about how much he aggravates me. After I told him that we should stop hooking up he texted me saying ” This sucks because I want you”. Who says that anyway he should of at least maybe tried to convince me not to but I guess we’re girls or I’m a girl and I expect too much from a guy to read my moves. Anyway I texted him saying that I was sorry and he responded “I guess this is goodbye then”. He made it seem like we were dating and were finally breaking up or something. I did want to still be friends but seriously you’re 21. But I guess it was a bitch move for me to end it like I did after he did open up to me but I just didn’t want to fall for him and get hurt since he still has feelings for his ex. I didn’t want to be put in that position. Anyway I just wanted to vent again sorry if my posts are getting boring. If you followers want me to post on something particular just comment Have a good weekend.
“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”
— Audrey Hepburn
I realized that I haven’t posted in a couple of days but nothing has really changed. I decided to stop hooking up with Pre Law Creeper because I was started to get attached which wasn’t part of the plan. Now with J when he was drunk he was hanging out with my sorority sisters and told them that me and him weren’t look for a relationship but just to have “fun”. When someone says fun in that context doesn’t everyone automatically think of sex? Well now I think my sister thinks I’m a whore because she also knew that I was hooking up with Pre Law Creeper. I’m just gonna try and clean up this mess. And the best thing about this Spring Break is that my face decided to excessively break up and become dry. I hate Spring Break, but on the bright side I’m starting to plan a road trip with my closest friends to go to the beach the week after finals.
Close your eyes and imagine that you’ve just been told that you aren’t allowed to have the one thing that you love the most. For me that is caffeine. I went to the doctors this morning to get my stomach checked due to the fact that whenever I eat something I get horrible stomach cramps and nausea. My doctor thinks I’m either anemic, allergic to gluten or having too much caffeine. For me the worst case scenario is having all of these things come true but at the moment my doctor told me I shouldn’t have anymore caffeine such as coffee, tea, soda. Everyday at college I wake up and go to Starbucks to get my grande skinny chai. Not having my morning coffee is going to make my life hell but I guess I’ll just have to deal with it because she hinted that I could end up putting myself in the hospital because in the last 3 weeks I’ve lost 2.5 pounds without trying which isn’t healthy because I’m already skinny I shouldn’t be losing anymore weight. Anyway that was my little drama from this morning now onto my actual post.
Sex. The last time I had sex was January 6, 2013. Is it sad that I actually know the last day that I had sex with my now ex boyfriend? I guess not or maybe it is. The sex with my ex wasn’t the greatest. I can now admit that without feeling guilty. I always secretly thought that it was something wrong with me because he always enjoyed but I kind of got bored. Like in the middle of sex I would pretend to be in pain because I was just that bored. My friend says its just because he wasn’t that big and he didn’t know how to use it, which is understandable since we were both virgins when we had sex for the first time. I guess I just ended up doing what I thought was right and he enjoyed it. He just didn’t know how to please me.
I now have the option of having amazing sex with a guy that I’ve known for a couple of weeks. As much as I’m tempted to have sex with him I kind of want the next time that I have sex to mean something. To him sex is just sex. To me it is just sex but shouldn’t sex mean something at least. Also he’s really kinky which is kind of awkward since I can’t makeout with him without laughing every couple of seconds. He claims its “cute” but I know that it annoys him. Its like if I can’t makeout with you how can I have sex with you. Also having sex in a college sized bed is bad especially when he has his bed lofted so whenever I try and lean up from kissing him I hit my head on the ceiling. But whenever I think of him I smile. I was talking to my bestfriend last night, and my big had apparently contacted him asking what she should get for me for Pearl week. Now I tell him everything and he claims that he doesn’t judge me but I think he secretly does because of my prior mistakes with a guy.
Me: I hope she doens’t make J deliver one of my gifts
him: that’d be epic. What if he was one of your presents
Me: Its like what would it be I already get sex from him.
him: he could ask you to formal.
Now I recently found out that my sorority hosts a formal every spring so I therefore need to get a date for it because everyone brings a date annoyingly. So I have decide between J, Pre Law Creeper or just asking a random guy.
I don’t feel like writing anymore but I’ll update you guys later. Maybe something will happen with J
The moment I realized that I liked the guy I’m hooking up with. Now I recently broke up with my boyfriend, a little under a month ago and I have already hooked up with two guys. But I’m still kind of hooking up with them but neither of them are getting sex. I met the guy I liked at one of my sorority socials. He had apparently seen me around my dorm because we live in the same building and thought I was cute. We were having a social with his fraternity and he had seen me at the “dry” part of the social where we watched “Pitch Perfect” which is such a good movie if you haven’t seen it you should. He never said hi to me that night so I still had no idea that he even existed. The next night was a 70s disco themed after party which wasn’t dry at all. Within the first five minutes of getting there we were playing flip cup which I’m actually decent at. I’ll call the guy that this story is about J. So J had said hi to me before we had played flip cup and I had just brushed him off as I don’t know who you are and I’ve had 3 shots I should go find my sisters. Anyway by midnight (like half an hr later) we were all pretty trashed and dancing in a circle. J kept making fun of me because I cannot dance like at all. All I can do is basically shake my butt and kind of grind. He kept trying to get me to loosen up by dancing and spinning me which by that point I had three shots and two things of “jungle juice”. Also spinning a girl while she’s almost drunk and in a tight dress in heels isn’t the smartest thing to do. I swear I fell into him a lot but that might of just been his plan haha. After we had been dancing for a while he wanted me to be his partner in beer pong. I refused to actually drink the beer so we were playing but without drinking it. He was absolutely horrible but then again he was soo far gone that it was kind of funny. But while we were playing he was dancing with me, or really just standing behind me trying to grind. After that we ended up sitting on the couch and I weirdly gave him my number because he was so drunk its not like he would remember or anything. So I gave him my number and we ended up playing drunk ruzzle which was hilarious because he kept saying all of the words he was trying to get aloud and was moving his fingers on the wrong letters so he didn’t get the words. After that our sorority ended up leaving and he said he’d text me later. That night would of only been made better if it hadn’t been Day Light Savings where I lost an hr of sleep which was horrible. He texted me around 4 am that morning saying something like, ” hey I hope you got back okay, goodnight”. I found that cute. Let’s fast forward to a couple days later which would of been Wednesday. He invited me over to his dorm but earlier that day he had texted me mentioning that we should “hook up” for future reference if a guy ever asks me to hook up tell me to say no. We ended up watching Clueless in his room on his bed and we were cuddling most of the time. After the movie we cuddled facing each other and I said something like I never make the first move, and he said well I usually go 90 percent of the way but the girl does have to make an effort. After he that he moved his face like an inch from me and when I talked my lips would touch his but I wouldn’t kiss him. Side note: My favorite thing about a new guy is the first kiss. It always seems special to me I guess. Anyway he said something like really I’m like 99.5% of the way. I then kissed him but his kisses are weird. He likes to nibble lips when he kisses and tongue both of which I hate. But we ended up making out for an hr and a half and then grabbed dinner. The next time I saw him which was the next night was at Fishbowl, a barish place near where I go. His fraternity was hosting a St. Patricks Day event. When I went I assumed that me and him were dance for a couple of songs and then we’d move on to other people but that didn’t happen. He decided that we should dance for the whole night. The problem with J is that when he’s drunk he asks like me and him are together which I don’t mind but when he’s sober he’s all about just hooking up not strings which is annoying. Anyway the moment I realized I liked him was when we were dancing and I was facing him because he was kind of pushed up against the stage dancing with me and I knew you were Trouble started playing. We were dancing obscenly stupid, and he kind of looked at me and kissed me. Now when you are just hooking up with someone do not kiss them in public because then everybody knows. But it was more of the moment when we were like a couple inches apart and singing our hearts out to Taylor Swift was when I realized that I liked him. His pledge master told me when J had gone to the bathroom that he was like a teddy bear, an extremely caring guy. He also told me that I shouldn’t sleep with him until I’m ready, but when I told him that he didn’t want to date he said something that keeps coming into my mind. He said something along the lines of deep down J wants to date just doesn’t want to admit it, and that when he looks at me it seems like he likes me. Then J of course came back so we couldn’t continue our conversation. But I think that I’m not going to hookup with J anymore because I”ll end up getting hurt because I only like how he acts when he’s wasted which isn’t a good thing. I guess for future I will not hook up with a pledge or even hookup with a guy even though I think that I won’t get attached I always do because I’m just that kind of girl. But I don’t want to date him I just I don’t know anymore. Any advice in telling a guy that you’re hooking up with that you can’t anymore without saying that you’re getting attached.
I also apologize for my horrible blogging tonight. It’s almost midnight and my flow and grammar is horribly off.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been avoiding blogging because I don’t want to admit something that I’m going to end up regretting. What you guys don’t know is that since November of last year I’ve been debating whether or not my relationship is worth the struggle and the heartache. It is now February and I have finally come to terms with my decision. Firstly, if you’re ever debating whether or not to end a relationship you should end it because you shouldn’t be debating whether or not you want to be with that person. It should be an instinct that you want to stay with that person. No one should question whether or not you should be with a person if you really deep down want to be with there. This is something that I’ve been having trouble dealing with lately. I feel as though my boyfriend could be the perfect one but the military life and the what ifs are what is dragging me down. I don’t want to always wonder what if I had been single in college what would of happened. Would I of had more fun or what I of still been unhappy. College has really brought myself out of my scared little shell into a more outgoing person. I recently rushed which was an extremely interesting experience though I would personally never want to go through with it again because of the planning of the outfits and trying to make sure that I was constantly smiling. In the end I did pledge a sorority, Alpha Sigma Alpha. Though the girls weren’t the ones I originally wanted to be a part of I’m glad that I did accept my bid to join them. Through rushing I realized that I just wanted to prove to myself that I had the ability to go out of my shell and do something that no one ever expected me to do. Though I didn’t get into the popular sorority I was still able to get into a sorority that really cares about philanthropy and sisterhood which is what a sorority should really be about. I’ll write a whole post later one the actual experience of rushing.
The reason that I came to the conclusion that I have about my boyfriend is that our relationship is just waiting. Waiting to talk to each other, see each other and even have sex. I don’t want a relationship in which I have to wait forever just to have one touch. Some of the military girlfriends say that its what makes every moment even more valuable that is true but I still get lonely at night. I still want someone in my bed that I can cuddle with and talk until three in the morning with about stupid shit that doesn’t even really matter anymore. I don’t have the relationship that I personally want. I have all these excuses for why I don’t want to date anymore but it might just be because when he was gone I fell out of love. That really is just the easiest way to put it or maybe I realized that I wasn’t really in love but in love with the idea of it. In this time of my life I don’t want a serious boyfriend. I don’t just want to have fun but I want to have the ability to be able to enjoy myself. I told my floor about how I’m going to break up and they all assume that I’m going to become a whore and hook up with random guys which really isn’t true. I want to be single so I can focus more on school and not constantly feel guilty when I have free time and I’m not constantly texting my boyfriend. I need some alone time as bad as that sounds. That’s just it I want to have time to myself. In college that really isn’t possible but I’m still an introvert that likes to hangout with people just not all the time. I love my boyfriend I just don’t want to date anymore. This is going to be a horrible break up just because of all the tension lately between us and how I’m not being a good girlfriend and shit, but I really don’t care anymore. I don’t want how people think of me to affect my decisions. It’s my life and I can make as many stupid decisions as I want.
Sorry this post is just about venting for me since I haven’t done it in a while. The next two posts will be on my rushing experience and an update on Pre Law Creeper who I’ve actually really clicked with and need to find him a new nickname.
Have a nice night.